The intensity of the pain depends on the degree of resistance to the present moment, and this in turn depends on how strongly you are identified with your mind. In other words, the more you are identified with your mind, the more you suffer.
I am talking here primarily of emotional pain, which is resentment, hatred, self-pity, guilt, anger, depression, jealousy, and so on.
People also know from their own experience how easily and quickly an intimate relationship can turn from a source of pleasure to a source of pain.
Focus attention on the feeling inside you
Know that it is the emotional pain. Accept that it is there. Don’t think about it – don’t let the feeling turn into thinking. Don’t judge or analyze. Don’t make an identity for yourself out of it.
The first thing to remember is this: as long as you make an identity for yourself out of the pain, you can not become free of it. As long as part of your sense of self is invested in your emotional pain, you will unconsciously resist every attempt that you make to heal that pain.
Why? Quite simply because you want to keep your self intact, and the pain has become an essential part of you. This is an unconscious process, and the only way to overcome it is to make it conscious.
Every moment, hold the knowing of that moment, if there is anger, know that there is anger. If there is jealousy, defensiveness, the urge to argue, the need to be right whatever it is, know the reality of that moment and hold the knowing.
Being the knowing creates a clear space of loving presence that allows all things and all people to be as they are. Giving space to others and to yourself is vital. Love cannot flourish without it.
Instead of mirroring to each other your pain and your unconciousness, instead of satisfying your mutual addictive ego needs. Remember that the ego needs problems, conflict, and enemies to strengthen the sense of separateness on which its identity depends. The emotional pain is demanding feedback and not getting it. The need for argument, drama, and conflict is not being met. And that they may collapse altogether, resulting in loss of self.
How much more time do you think you will need before you are able to say,” I will create no more pain, no more suffering?” How much more pain do you need before you can make that choice? If you think that you need more time, you will get more time – and more pain.
Remember the deep wisdom underlying the practice of Eastern martial arts: don’t resist the opponent’s force. Yield to overcome. The real doing nothing implies inner non resistance and intense alertness.